Its got a lot of potential, but needs an editor. Badly.
This story is very creative and shows an interesting and in-depth world that the author has obviously put a lot of work into.
It is unfortunate that it reads like the first draft of a middle school creative writing essay.
To be blunt, it needs an editor to go over it. There are so many grammatical errors in the work that at times it makes the story almost impossible to follow. It should never have been released in its current state.
Please note that this is not a knock against the author, as from what I have been able to glean from the story is an interesting premise. I want to see more, but this work needs to be revised as right now it is a very strong example of how poor grammar can really kill a story.
If I can provide a couple of examples:
"Only ruins" - said the wizard. - "You didnt see whats happened with the big cities of this Empire. Its terrible. Come, the night is coming and I see youre tired. Well take a rest there".
"Destroyed houses and towers, a green-sparkling grass had grown through the cracks in the stone roads and it was coldly here. Staying here you wanted to think about the terrible and painful past of this city."
"It was already darkly when youve come here and the wizard summoned his silver light onto his staff. The far sky returned its bright stars and Elred was shining glaringly as if it tried to incinerate the worlds."
Three examples from three pages a fair ways into the story. The author shows a certain descriptive flare, but misses some very basic mistakes that even a spell and grammar check in a writing program would flag and correct.
These sorts of mistakes are common throughout the entire work.
As a fan of interactive fiction I really want to like this story. Its creative use of a new idea that hasnt really been tried before. I want to see more, but I also want to be able to understand it.
If the author updates with an edited version, I will gladly change my review to a higher rating.
Loclif about Sword of the Elements, v1.0.0
